You Might Be A Redneck If:

From Jeff Foxworthy

• Your wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk.
• You refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester will always be "in."
• You think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football.
• Your definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot.
• Your wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine.
• You are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement.
• You try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
• You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
• You've never seen a film with subtitles.
• You must go through more than two gates to get to your house.
• You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
• Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.
• You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
• You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."
• You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
• Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
• Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
• Your primary income involves pigs or manure.
• You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow.
• You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
• You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
• You follow the tractor pull circuit.
• Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
• Your mother's only shoes are her house slippers.
• The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
• You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
• You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
• You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
• You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
• Your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stucky's napkin.
• Your tires are worth more than your truck.
• Your spare tire is a cement block.
• You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
• You own a denim leisure suit.
• Your coat of arms features a tire iron.
• You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
• You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
• Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
• Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
• You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
• You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
• You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
• You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
• Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people.
• You and six of your neighbors split the cable bill.
• You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
• People can't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
• Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
• You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
• The front license plate of your care has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
• Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
• All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
• You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
• You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You ever get dog hair from your belly button.
• You ever go clothes shopping in a goodwill box.
• You ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty socks.
• You have ever injured yourself lighting farts.
• You've ever used your underwear for toilet paper.
• You've ever driven your tractor to the bar because you were too drunk to drive your car.
• You've ever used 40 weight to shine your boots.
• You consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures.
• You've ever coveted your neighbor's wife and she's your sister.
• Your eye color on your driver's license in red.
• You judge how long a trip will take by how much beer to bring.
• You ring your shotgun to school so you car hunt at recess.
• You think beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport.
• You have 50 keys on your belt and only five locks you need to open.
• Your grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you and all your friends.
• Your idea of a luxury sedan includes running boards, a bug deflector, and an extended cab.
• You have a kill switch on your car and you use it every day.
• Your best pair of shoes is a pair of work boots with holes in it.
• You've ever spent a Sunday afternoon shooting mice out of your kitchen cabinet.
• You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
• You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
• Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
• You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
• You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.