One Liners

"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'"
--Steven Wright

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"Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."

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"For safety's sake, I try not to go to the ATM at night. I also try not to go with my four-year-old, who screams, 'We got money! We got money!'"