Words Of Wisdom

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."

"Never moon a werewolf."