Answering Machine Messages

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

"Hi. Now you say something."

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

Hello, this is the refrigerator. The answering machine is not working today. Please state your name and number slowly and clearly and I will write it down on one of those cute little yellow post-it notes, stick it on myself and hopefully my owners will see it when they get home. Hope this meets with your satisfaction, if not please adress any complaints to the toaster.