Cold Is Relative

50 degrees -- New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in Buffalo plant gardens.

40 degrees -- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Buffalo sunbathe.

35 degrees -- Italian cars won't start. People in Buffalo drive with the windows down.

32 degrees -- Distilled water freezes. Buffalo water gets thicker.

20 degrees -- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Buffalo throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees -- Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Buffalo go swimming.

Zero degrees -- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Buffalo have the last cookout before it gets cold.

10 degrees below zero -- People in Miami cease to exist. People in Buffalo lick flagpoles.

20 degrees below zero -- Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Buffalo throw on a light jacket.

40 degrees below zero -- Hollywood disintegrates. People in Buffalo rent videos.

60 degrees below zero -- Mt. St. Helens freezes. Buffalo Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

80 degrees below zero -- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Buffalo Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

100 degrees below zero -- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Buffalo pull down their ear flaps.

173 degrees below zero -- Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Buffalo get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

297 degrees below zero -- Microbial life start to disappear. Buffalo cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 degrees below zero -- ALL atomic motion stops. People in Buffalo start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 degrees below zero -- Hell freezes over. Buffalo wins the Stanley Cup.