You Might Be A Redneck If:

From Jeff Foxworthy

• You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
• You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
• The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
• Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
• People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
• Your house plants aren't in pots.
• You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
• Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
• You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
• Making beer is a neighborhood project.
• You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
• There is a restraining order on your pets.
• You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
• Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
• Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
• Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
• You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
• In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
• You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
• One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
• You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
• You were expelled from summer school.
• You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
• You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
• Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
• You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
• Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
• Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
• Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
• You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
• You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
• You have a grave in your front yard.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
• Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
• You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
• You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
• Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
• You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
• Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
• You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
• You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
• You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
• You screen door has no screen.
• You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
• There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
• You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
• Your church has a "happy hour."
• Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
• The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
• There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
• You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
• You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
• Your pickup truck used to be a car.
• Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
• Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
• You stockpile pork and beans.
• Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
• You spit on your own floor.
• You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
• Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
• You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
• Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
• You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.