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A Letter From Santa

Dear Boys and Girls,

Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my arse to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know shit about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I caught the Mrs. fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew? I always thought the little bastards were gay. I really am getting too old for this shit.

It used to be so simple, wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything but now it's electronic gizmos (what the hell is a furby and how should I know if it is PC compatible?) and what the hell does a old fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on the computer a few years ago and the damn thing crashed. Lost all the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly tech support to the north pole!

Don't even get me started on the damn reindeer. Eight tiny reindeer my arse! Too much hay and carrots. They are so damn fat I have my doubts they will even get off the ground. I shouldn't talk. I always go on a diet the day after Christmas. Too many damn cookies and milk. Of course now what do the little kiddies leave me low fat milk and fat free cookies. That's all I get especially in California with all those damn health nuts. Is it too much to ask to leave the fat man a good stiff drink to keep him warm through the night?

Enough about my problems. How have you been? Hope things are going well for you and yours. Not sure what time I will be flying over your house but with the FAA and their new freaking rules it's going to be a very long night.

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!

Lots of love,