Hallmark Cards You'll Never See

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry.

You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead,
it was once so great...
Don't you regret installing
Windows '98?