Things I Thunk

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Mom used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.