You Might Be A Redneck If:

From Jeff Foxworthy

• You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
• You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
• You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
• You've never paid for a haircut.
• You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
• You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
• You've ever made change in the offering plate.
• The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
• You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
• You own at least 20 baseball caps.
• You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
• You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
• Your screen door has no screen.
• Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
• When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
• You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
• Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
• Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
• You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
• Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
• You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
• You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
• You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
• You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
• You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
• You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
• There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
• It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
• You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
• You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
• Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
• The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
• Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
• The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
• You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
• You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
• Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
• You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
• You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
• You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
• Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
• Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
• Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
• You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
• You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
• You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.