Humourous Quotes

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charlie Brown

The problem with the rat race is even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin

My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, 'How was that drive-by shooting?' You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive.
My So-Called Life

I can't believe this. I hate everyone. My So-Called Life


When you're not sure you trust a person any more, say a person you really trusted, say your father, you start wishing they'd do something, like, really wrong, just so you can be right about them.
My So-Called Life

"Your federal income tax return has been selected for examination." This is really scary. They must get Stephen King to write these.
My So-Called Life

Don't ask me, I just live here.
My So-Called Life

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.
Lily Tomlin

The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep.
W. C. Fields

There is not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the arse.
W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they always wink at each other.