You Might Be A Redneck If:

From Jeff Foxworthy

• Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
• The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)
• You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
• You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
• Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
• Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
• Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
• Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
• During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
• You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
• On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
• Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
• You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
• You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
• You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
• You bring your dog to work with you.
• Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
• You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
• You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
• Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
• Your masseuse uses lard.
• Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
• You use your fishing license as a form of ID
• On stage night, you take a real deer.
• You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
• Your back porch is bigger than your house.
• You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
• Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
• Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
• You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
• You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
• You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
• Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
• You've ever been too drunk to fish.
• Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
• Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
• Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
• You smoked during your wedding.
• People ask to hunt in your front yard.
• Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
• Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
• Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.
• Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
• Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
• You've ever driven a tractor to school.
• Your high school prom had a day care center.
• You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
• There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
• Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
• You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
• Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
• You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
• If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from
  the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
• If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
• If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
• If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
• If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
• If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.
• If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front
  yard.
• If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.
• If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.
• If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.
• If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
• If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.