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STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES
--- not-all-there ---
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
--- big picture ---
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
--- museums ---
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
--- movies ---
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a BBQ in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
--- restaurants ---
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
--- stores ---
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.