You Might Be A Redneck If:

From Jeff Foxworthy

• Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
• You've ever been arrested for loitering.
• There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
• You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You've totalled every car you've ever owned.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
• Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
• There is a wasp nest in your living room.
• The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.
• You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
• There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
• You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
• Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
• Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
• Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
• You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
• Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
• You're an expert on worm beds.
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
• Your family tree does not fork.
• The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
• You haul more than U-Haul.
• Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
• There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
• Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
• Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
• Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
• Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
• The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
• Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
• You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
• Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
• You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
• You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
• Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
• You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
• Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
• You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
• You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• You mow your lawn and find a car.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
• You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.