To: All Employees
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.
As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemental program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or training position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or training other to take S.H.I.T. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those of you who become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please direct them to: HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)