Humourous Quotes

When doctors and undertakers meet, they always wink at each other.
W. C. Fields

There may be some things better than sex and some things may be worse, but there is nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields

Bare necessities of life: Food, clothing, and a blonde.
W. C. Fields

Sex is the most fun I have ever had -- without laughing.
Woody Allen

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
Steven King

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Indecision may, or may not, be my problem.
Jimmy Buffett

If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

In his private heart, no man much respects himself.
Mark Twain

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Mark Twain

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Mark Twain

Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
Mark Twain

Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
Mark Twain

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Mark Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain

When angry count four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Mark Twain

Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
Mark Twain

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
Mark Twain

Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important.
T.S. Elliot

Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everybody else.